You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
