Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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