i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
