Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
