How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
