did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
