I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it's like iHOP with fire
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
