I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
how drunk are you?
Several
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
