she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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