i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
