I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
