i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
