went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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