i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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