Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
