dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
