Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
