He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
