I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
