I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
