so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
