can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
