what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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