i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
