i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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