you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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