Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
