Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
