dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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