What a fucking waste of an outfit
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
