If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
