i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
this is an emotional support booty call
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
