i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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