I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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