my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's get the cat blown out
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
