I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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