that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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