You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
