I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
