When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
