peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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