Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
