Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
