every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
