i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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