I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
