if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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