I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
