Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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