Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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