apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
