If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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